Saturday 13 July 2013

Update of my life : In memory of Mary Magdalen

Dear friends and readers,

Before I start I need to warn you that this is not a beauty post but an update post of my life and what has occurred in it.

I am sad to say that I have been away too long. Too much has happened to me in the last 2 months. 

As you well know if you've been reading my blog (thank you!), my last post said that I would be busy and away for my exams in July 2013. What you did not know was that when I completed the post it was actually early June just a few days in. 

(taken Christmas 2012)

What most of you would not know was that my beloved grandmother, Mary Magdalen was ill. She has been ill for some time and was in a decline especially since March 2013. This decline became quite rapid shortly after my post. There was a drastic decline every 2 days or so. 

Soon after the very last event I attended last month my grandmother had decline to the point where she had to be hospitalized. Through it all I was studying my ass off trying to pass this exam and was rarely home during the day. But I made sure to spend some time with her every night when I reached home before I went to my room.

Through this I had a bad feeling, a very bad feeling that... she won't be with us for long. Oh, I still hoped and prayed. I did my fair share of denial and hopeless hope. But some how I sort of knew, and was torn between studying and being with her. 

You see I had fail this exam once and she knew that I wanted to pass it and she wanted me to pass it too so that I can get on with my life. 

I was torn you see while in my heart I could have put the exam off until next year. At that point in time, while her condition was bad it did not seem dire and I was hoping against hope that I would be able to pass this exam this time around and would be able to show her that I passed the stupid exam before she passed away. 

I wanted her to be proud of me and to make her proud that I passed the exam.  I wanted her to be at ease because now I can stand on my own 2 feet without worry. It was the final point in my studies. 

But she told me just the day before she was admitted into the hospital that she wanted me to pass the exam and to try hard.  Because of what she said, I did not stay with her overnight at the hospital, I did not visited her each and every day and at every visiting hour and worse... I was not there to visit her on the day she passed away nor was I there when she took her last breath. I arrived moments too late.

I could not be there all the time because... I could not study and be heartbroken at the same time.  So I visited her every other day and studied in between. Tried so d*mn hard to focus when I was studying and not crying my heart out. 

Also as fate would have it, she passed away a week and half before my exam. At this point I wanted to say F*** it and to H*ll with exam.  But this remained, the time I had sacrificed from spending with her will all go to waste if I did not sit for the exam. 

Also a week before the exam, there was a terrible haze in Malaysia that made the news. I got very sick and couldn't breath. Then I broke a mirror. A mirror that I've had for years. 

At this moment I just wanted to break down and cry and cry and cry. I felt so heartbroken. So, what did I do to keep the promise to my grandmother? I put my thoughts and heart away. But worse of all? To deal with it, the day after she passes away, I sort of went into some sort of denial. So it like when I was studying abroad and could not see her for some time. I pretended that I could still talk to her and it went on until the day we buried her.

After that I decided to put my heart and feelings for her away. Keep it locked up tight and try my hardest to fulfill my promise. I did not want  the time I had sacrificed from spending with her will all go to waste if I did not sit for the exam. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Now my exams are over and I'm finally taking the time to grieve.

My grandmother means the world to me. We fight, bicker and nag each other but she was always, always there for me. She used to be the good cop and I then bad cop when it came to disciplining the younger children, the person who made the compliant and the person who meted out the punishment or scolding. She would be the good cop that made it all right. I did not mind, in fact I asked her why she wanted me to do it. But she'll just smile and laugh evilly when I asked and said that I'm scarier. 

She was the one who taught me to cook, was patient with me while I made a mess in the kitchen and taught me all about produce and the wet market. She taught me to sew, clean and forgive. She was the one adult in my life who would say sorry if she was wrong. Who taught me to say sorry when I did wrong. 

Who would hold and hug me if I was insecure without being sarcastic or say anything hurtful. Who would always encourage and believe in me when I needed it without saying anything. Who would help me in a second if she could. Who worries about whether I had eaten or when I was sick and took care of me. She was strict without hurting my heart. 

She was my heart and the person who feed food to my soul since I was born. She gave me spirituality. In a word, she was my shelter in the storm and the place where I found peace when I was restless or worried. She had that special gift of kindness that I would never be able to match.

So this is my goodbye. It has not been the same since she left but I will always, always love her and she will be in everything I do and achieve in my life.

Thank you everyone who came to her wake and those who sent their condolences. I appreciate each and everyone and apologise if I did not reply you. I was not able to at the time. 

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